So this will be short.

Ugh.

Man starting this is a lot harder that it first seems.

For some reason I haven't been able to sleep well. For the past three days i've been sleeping really late and getting up much earlier than i normally would (and waking up constantly in between.) To be honest, it was hard for me to get a grip today because its really starting to mess with my body. My head has been throbbing all day, i feel shaky and uneasy and it just feels like my nervous system is completely screwy, stuff hurts, IBS is no help, and i feel like breaking down into tears for no reason. Luckily i've been battling it long enough today that its a little easier to handle for the moment but seriously, it was really hard to keep myself from hyperventilating. This is not me exaggerating, this happens to me when i don't get enough sleep and i even started hyperventilating and crying on the phone to a friend once on a similar occasion. The reason this happens is beyond me, its not that i feel emotionally unstable (well i do but only as a response to the way i'm feeling physically) its just that you don't feel right and you can't really understand it yourself, you just know something is wrong and that you feel like you just might collapse or something. And fuck i have class tomorrow, i don't know if i can do it. But i have two papers due and a math quiz, i can't not go. I think maybe its the buildup of toxins, since sleeping is when your body is cleansed of those. But i'm not a doctor, so i have no idea. I just know that i'm not in my right mind and just writing this is really difficult for me, and i still need to work on my trend paper which requires a lot of research (yuck) my head pulsates with pain with every other word i read in text. For that reason i refuse to revise this so there will be spelling and grammar errors galore. The only reason i feel compelled to write this is because i need to convey how i'm feeling in some way since i sort of hide it from those around me and haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. But at the same i can't stand the thought of being on the phone right now.

The one day I would cherish the phone not ringing and i couldn't even have that, i've had five people call me today for stupid 'are you interested in our college' reasons and i'm sorry but i'm just not in the mood for an in-depth conversation about my future right now. Thinking hurts, and articulating those thoughts into meaningful sentences is even harder so please for the love of God leave me in peace. I swear they only call at the worst possible times. One of the most painful experiences i've ever had, (that chilli incident i mentioned earlier) where i couldn't walk and this one guy from Hunter College called to 'help me out' while i can hardly even sit comfortably, grimacing and clutching my hair. Those folks can have the ultimate stamp of 'fuck you' approval from me. I wish i could sleep, i really want to sleep, but sleeping just isn't comfortable for me right now. The thought of lying in bed makes me cringe inside, the floor seems more welcoming than my bed. Everything just fucking aches when i'm sleeping, i have NO idea why but i can't stand another night of this. Again, i feel partly guilty for complaining about this when everyone else is going through much worse (especially when i think of my sister having gone through the hospital) but at the same time that's why i never feel like i can talk about these instances even when its the one thing that can keep me from going over. I made myself some expensive organic tea that's supposed to help with tension and calm the nerves or whatever, didn't help. Of course the fact that i have to pee all the Goddamn time isn't helping my level of fatigue and agitation. It feels like i'm on an adrenaline high, which is really unpleasant, especially when it lasts throughout the day. And this headache I can almost compare to a migraine. I figured that i'm just dehydrated and i just need to drink some water, but it goes right through me and as much as i love my bathroom i hate spending 3/4th's of my day in there. 

So that's my rant for the day. You know that feeling when you feel feverish and sick and have to have something that helps like hot tea or soup or something, its frustrating because nothing seems to help or soothe, there is nothing i can think of that wouldn't contribute to one of all the chronic physical ailments i have (heartburn, acid, Irritable bowl). So fuck me. I'm already experiencing all three in addition to what i had mentioned earlier. 

MOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

I want my mommy ;(



well i guess it wasn't short afterall

Will someone out there explain to me what the appeal of marriage is? Please, I just don't GET IT. And don't you say its for the children, i will automatically disregard any statement beginning with that sentence. Besides, i'm not just talking about 'the children' i'm talking about the whole concept in general, even concerning those who never want to have children but who just want to be married. Another thing i happen to hear is that 'it completes you' or something stupid like that, which doesn't really make sense to me either. If you feel like you have to have a partner to feel complete, then can't you just do that without having to get married? Like seriously, what's the difference?

People like to call this my pessimistic radical feminism, which irks me too, but that's beside the point. Seriously, why does someone have to be nuts in order to question a socially structured rule that really doesn't make that much sense to start with? I mean set aside the religious reasons (i won't even go there right now) why do people do it?

And this may sound silly but after hearing some girls talk about their future marriage with Mr. Right, i sometimes believe that people just want to be married just so they can have a cool big fancy wedding. It's almost as if they're looking more forward to the wedding party than the actual marriage.

Ok so i'll explore the religious aspects of it A LITTLE:

To have sex legally in the eyes of God? First of all, that's a shit reason to marry someone anyway.

Because its your duty as a human being? So that you can procreate 'legally?'

There are other ways to serve and besides, you could argue that 'contributing' to your society by doing nothing but having babies is more harmful in some ways. Reason one: the world has never before been able to sustain this many people, before technology and such, we solely depended on the energy of the sun for our crops (before the discovery of oil and the creation of efficient machines) and also medical advances have helped us not to die off so much. Before all this, the world could never sustain more than a half a billion people at a time. Now compare that to 6.6 billion.

Reason 2: being a stay at home mom and not working but having 6 kids to feed is bad for the economy, and i won't go into why because it should be obvious.

Because its your destiny and you can't change it? This is by far the most irritating excuse i have ever had to hear. Because everything is pre-written, therefore you can't do a damn thing about it? That's like not wearing your seatbelt because you believe that if you're meant to die then you'll die. You know what i call cruel irony? You get into a crash and end up living but oops, you rolled around so much that you ended up killing everyone else in the car who WAS wearing their seatbelt. So now you've killed your friends and/or family and you haven't left the accident without some serious mental/emotional scarring. Don't you just love my analogies?

Oh and did i mention that if you say the word 'romantic' i will eat you? Married with Children was wrong, Love and Marriage don't go together like a Horse and a Carriage. Well actually, i guess they could. But its important to realize that there are a lot of horses in the world that are carriageless and can continue to live and exist WITHOUT having to cart a carriage, EVER. In fact, i'll even go as far as to argue that you almost never see carriages with horses.


So maybe i've digressed a little ranting about the religious aspects so you'll have to forgive me for it; when one is on the angry side of things, you're ability to successfully pen down your thoughts in a calm clear manner sort of degenerates until its just emotional rambling.

So i finished a book in two days! RECORD, its especially impressive because its so hard to get my ass to actually read something instead of going online and wasting time. My next book: A room of one's own. I just finished reading Pandora by Anne Rice and its part of a series called the vampire chronicles. It was weird, when i finished, i felt a little sad that i had finished it and that there wasn't anymore. And i don't really know why, well at least i didn't know why. I didn't know what to do with myself after, and i tried to make a few phone calls but to no avail. Then i realized exactly why i was so bummed about finishing it.

It wasn't that the story was particularly amazing; the vampire chronicles are something i'm very familiar with, so consequently, i feel as if I know these characters. I've grown attached to them as if they were long-time acquaintances or friends, although fictitious. I realized why it bothered me that there was nothing more to read on them, it was because i'm in a place that is totally unfamiliar to me. I am far away from any kind of familiarity whatsoever. My friends and family, my home, i've been far away from all that for almost a year now. I came to the realization that i was lonely.

That same hurt one feels in one's heart due to this common sorrow shared by all humanity occupied me for the rest of the evening. I needed to go for a walk, i didn't care that it was getting dark. Besides, anyone could hear me crying, i don't really have doors, they're more like sliding pantry doors and you can hear everything that goes on upstairs and vice versa. I needed to be alone. How ironic...i needed to be alone so that i could cry about my loneliness.

I got my shoes on and and my jacket and left. It was about 8:35pm when i finally got myself out the door. I went around the back where the higschool was. There is a large open area there solely for the highschool when its students participate in sports. So that makes it a great place to jog or take dogs for a walk. So i went there, sat at a tree that overlooked the city, and began to cry.

You know i'm really upset when i start talking to myself. Well this time was no exception.

Perhaps one of my biggest problems in life is that i cope with things by choosing not to cope with them, i lock them up in a dark closet in the back of my mind and try to forget about them. I don't let myself ponder on things like loneliness. But of course, when i least expect them to, these feelings rear their ugly heads and catch me off guard, rendering me helpless and at the mercy of my overwhelming emotions.

Although i'm not as upset as i was last night, i'm still feeling a little low.

Well well, i suppose i owe you an apology livejournal. I have been very unfaithful to you, and im afraid i've got commitment issues as well. For that, I am sorry. I am TERRIBLE at diary/journal entry things. I'm sorry, but i get bored, i can only do it for so long before it begins to feel like a chore. But i've decided to try it out again, though i can't make any promises. I can't say whether i will make this a habit or something that i do only once in a while. But we'll just have to see how it goes...

Uh-oh....i'm feeling that same demon of laziness coming back again. Alright livejournal, i've got a proposition for you; how about i don't write down the everyday events that take place in the thing that is called my life and instead, allow myself to pour out my own thoughts and ideas. That sounds so much easier and a little more appealing to me. Unless something amazing happens like i've gone sky-diving or killed a lion (which i would never do anyway, don't get your hopes up)THEN maybe i will write it down. But it has to have something to do with my train of thought. Sound good to you?

I hope so, because you don't have much say on the matter.

I just feel so much creative-energy pent up inside that's just ready to burst but i just don't know what to do with it. Whether i write or draw, i just can't seem to tap into that energy that i'm dying to unleash. Its frustrating, that's what it is. *sigh*, i will from here on out, also attempt writing various articles on media crazes and possibly write reviews on various books and movies. Note the key word is POSSIBLY. Pray no expectations for i am making no promises.

There we go! My first journal entry for the first time in forever! Its not much but its a start...

So a lot has happened since I've last written but I don't feel in the mood to type down every mildly interesting thing that has happened to me thus far so I apologize for that. The reason for me not writing in so long is because well... to be frank, I haven't been in the mood. There is something a tad depressing about always writing my life down so I took a break. That and its somewhat tiring.

Anyway, so my birthday is coming up. Holy crap. I just realized that only a few entries ago, it was my birthday. Shit, time flies. I'm going to be seventeen, too bad I can't act like it. I've made plans for a desert safari ride on the 11th (since the 7th is a school day.)

And what else...school's almost over. The science fair is coming up though so I’m not sure about that. I've already done my research paper but I still need to work on my poster board. Who am I talking to? Ugh, anyway, oh yeah! Now I feel bad for forgetting something like that but my sister Hana is currently in Jordan with my dad for a cousin's wedding. Four days she'll be gone which isn't so bad. As bad as this sounds, its kind of a relief. She has been giving us such a hard time, it is not even funny. She's a fuckin' rebel without a cause and she's pretty much the core of all stress in our family at this present-time. But it makes me tired to have to go into details so I'll just not.

Our school's spring-carnival is next Thursday and the theme is fantasy. Apparently we HAVE to come dressed up as a mythical creature of some sort. It sounds a little fun but at the same time, I feel that I have better things to do than waste my time coming up with the proper attire. Pardon my cynicism, I had a really good day yesterday so I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Perhaps one of the many disadvantages of being a hormonal adolescent. Hopefully the proper nutrition will clear up that chemical imbalance in my brain. I have the strange urge to play video games.

So I think for once in a really long while, I feel in a good enough mood to type down a journal entry. So life is pretty good actually. I mean I get my ups and downs just like every teenager does, unfortunately for me, but otherwise things are pretty good. Other than the fact that I’m hungry, i feel like I'm in a really good place. Except for the fact that I WANT TO LEAVE SO BADLY. I need more somehow because things just aren't exciting enough. But that's just me in my crazy mood. I've been singing a lot lately and my heartburn has been kept down to a minimum which is pretty good. I like school, I finally get my chemistry which is a huge accomplishment and I've actually been looking up colleges and stuff because a certain someone (or should I say a certain few) won't stop bugging me about it and it's actually not that stressful. OMG! We got to see Sweeney Todd FINALLY. I don't know why it took us so long, it not only comes out late here but for some reason, we couldn't make up plans to go see it and then it was only showing in one cinema. But we made it! I liked it a lot considering that it has a few of my favorite things: The fact that Tim Burton's the director is pretty cool, the fact that its a musical (I love musicals), Johnny Depp is the main character and plus it has gore. But near the end it was too much even for me. Most of its characters were kind of sick in a way. Let me tell you, after that movie, i felt like throwing up when I thought of eating my left over meat pie from the day before. But I liked it anyway, despite its extremely unsatisfying ending, at least the boy ended up killing him. Ok, moving on...

Today was a rather boring day, I read all day and not much else. And yet I don't feel up to going to school tomorrow. Ah well. Even my dad has been pretty good lately. I don't know why, I guess he's into this whole 'born again' concept, but whatever, at least he's trying to be better and he actually cares about our lives more now. Though at the same time it confuses me. I know that he still doesn't like the idea of me leaving but I'll make sure he doesn't stop me and he better be clear on that. I've started drawing again, that's really good because I haven't drawn for a while, I just mostly write these days but I'm coming back to my dragons and other things too. I'm working on this seal caught in a net for Earth Day. There's going to be a huge dress down where you come to school wearing either blue, green or brown. You know, like earthly colors. Anyway, one good thing about tomorrow is that I've got fitness for PE and I usually hate PE but Ms.Gemma said that she would teach us a Carnival dance which should be very cool indeed. I wish I could dance everything, it'd be fun, then whenever I felt like it, i would burst into song with dance provided and then it could be a couple of minutes living a musical (despite the odd looks I would get.) Anyway, its really hard to think on an empty stomach so I’ll catch you later!

So my life has been relatively interesting lately while at the same time being as dull as...I don't even know. Interesting to stress where my head's been at and boring to stress the fact that its been raining so hard, I can't even get past my own street to visit yasmino; its so flooded :b We even have two days off of school because almost all the roads are underwater. Tradgedy struck when I finally finished Resistance on my PS3, thus having nothing of much interest to do. Yes, that's right. My days of shooting mutant alien scum are over ;( I've been eating alot too, it sucks being hungry all the frigin' time. My mom says its because of the weather which i don't really understand but whatever. I'll have like a really large meal, be really full and ready to fall asleep, thinking I won't have to eat for another four hours at least and then fifteen minutes later, i'm in the kitchen again. So instead of eating, I just drink alot of tea with plenty of sugar and milk. I mean I still eat, i'm not anorexic but its annoying being hungry all the time and the more often i eat, the faster my metabolism goes which makes me hungrier even faster. I could use a burger though :( Not those crap ones at Hardes or BurgerKing mind you, a real burger. Chiles or Johnney Rockets, yumm :b. Man, i'm hungry. Anyway, i'm really bored. Last night was...interesting as usual.

OMG! I CAN'T FIND MY NINJA MONKEY!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.


Damnit! I think i left it in the car. How can i complete the adventures of ninja monkey on movie maker without ninja monkey? *sigh* Nevermind, i'll just find something ELSE to do...

GRAGH! I'm frustrated. Now what? I guess i could just continue writing crap to pass the time, its been forever since i've drawn something so maybe i could to that. But i don't know if i'm in the right mood. WHERE IS EVERYBODY ANYWAY? I'm having a weird moment of unreality. Woah. Yeah, so i'm going to go find some other means to pass the time. Later dudes and duddettes.

Hello fellow livejournal people. So I'm about to update my lj for once in like three months, possibly five. So alot has happened since then but the funny thing is that i don't want to talk about it. Life is kind of upsidedown for me right now. Don't mean to complain but there's alot that's making my head buzz and ache. I can't wait till yasmine comes back. One more month.

So wow, have i had the most interesting nights these past few days. I'm feeling quite bitter at the moment actually. I wish i could find something to occupy myself with. I guess i'm doing it right now so whatever. Nights are cold, days are depressing and pain consistent. I'm fuckin tired is what i am. i guess i'll just do some writing from where i feel is safe to pour out my whole soul into. Was that grammatically correct? I don't know, but i don't fuckin' care right now. I think i'm getting sick too. I'm going to leave now, because i don't know if i want to say anything at all.

as Gargoyles feast upon unsuspecting honeymooners. Sorry for the randomosity. My leg is killing me and I don't know why. Like really painful growing pains only its happening in only one limb.


Wow, how long ago did I write this? I just got on today and there was a draft thing that was automatically saved. I don't even know what I was talking about. Anyway as you all may have guessed it's been a while since I have updated my journal. Thanks to the fact that the site has been down for me in some few months. I am finally able to get back on but things are working incredibly slow. I tried to update another dp but couldn't. It is the right file type and everything ah never mind.

So we have started school. It's alright. I've been writing alot lately but unfortunately I forgot the password to on of my more important works. It's a real bummer, I can't believe I forgot it. Had it been that long? I just can't believe it. Anyway, people are nice. There a few here and there that are kind of so so but you know...whatever. I enjoy english but I despise Geography, everything the teacher says just basically regurgitates and it just drives me crazy.

Alot has happened and frankly, I'm not in the mood to write everything all down here. Ramadan is in a few days and i still have a few to make up for so basically I'm screwed. I still have about one or two days to make up for, but it is a possibility that it'll be tonight. It's going to be alot harder this year, I'll tell you that much.

Oh my God! Did I tell you?? Okay so I actually liked Miss Jemma alot (P.E. teacher) but about a day ago, I got pulled out of geography to talk to the guidance councilor and Miss Christine. Apparently, they think I'm depressed and possibly suicidal. WHAT THE HELL? The P.E. teacher was a little 'concerned' because both me and my sister said something about depression in theory class even though they were separate classes. I have NO idea what I said, honest to God. I even asked some people and they were like, 'I don't know...you talked about metabolism and stuff.' They talked to both me and my sister. My face was turning red, I was so embarrassed. Geez, I felt bad after that. Not to mention a bit pissed. Now every time I pass Miss Jemma, it's really awkward and I turn my head away thinking, 'God she thinks I want to kill myself...' It's really awful. I told them that I wasn't depressed or suicidal in any way, not for two years at least. I was laughing because I laugh all the time, especially when situations are that awkward. They asked me if i had ways to occupy myself when i was feeling depressed and all that crap. And the worst thing about it is, I don't think they believe me! Not Amal at least, that's for sure. Miss. Jemma kept commenting during P.E. like 'Very good Amal!' From what I've heard, it was very patronizing and painful. Ugh. Adults, they're more crazy than we are sometimes.

So things have been acting up again. Like 'otherworldly.' It kind of frustrates me a bit. I'm not sure what to do about it. My powers are limited at this point. It sucks ass. It really does. Okay umm...not much else to say. I'm too sleepy to get all the details and stuff so good night!

Okay so here's something a bit cheerier than my more recent post. And I haven't done one in a while because I'm A LAZY ASS. Oh well, you'll have to get over it.

Lately I've been entertaining myself by watching very freaky videos on youtube. I wish you were here Jojo to watch with us, we could make Yasmine too but I know for a fact that Anisa would never. I can just picture us watching crap to scare the shit out of us and we're eating popcorn and stuff and its 5 am in the morning. Then after we're done we could get to the pie making and forget the top again. This time it'll be peach. Of course we'd have to drag Anisa away from watching E! and I could be with you this time to watch you guys mess up the pie.

Okay, TIRED. What now? I don't know. I need to go crime fighting or find some sort of vortex that well take me somewhere new. Something *shifty eyes* otherworldly. Or I'm always up for swimming with sharks and petting cheetahs. Please! I NEED adventure. Or an email is good too. Blah, okay I'm not done with that questionnaire. It is seriously really long and I leave the ones I don't want to do till later and of course by that time, half the answers to the questions change e.g. 'The last thing you said' 'The last thing you ate.' Well, I'll try is all I have to say. I did ask for it now I have to pay. Where is everyone! I swear it seems like everyone I know has just vanished for a few days and some a few weeks. This is a waste of a post since only two people who send me emails read my things on lj. There are like four more I need to get typing. I guess it's not they're fault I don't have a life and they do. My father won't pay enough money man. How am I gonna get to a good school like this? He doesn't give two shits about good schools. Wherever teaches Arabic and is cheap, that's all. Grr, well whatever. I have so much to do! Stress, ahh! I need to finish packing up my room. I need to get more school work done. I have pictures to go through. I have books to read. Too much and yet I am bored. Why won't I get to them?

So what happened today? Nothing much. I don't even think its worth talking about. Okay so I'm done. Sorry, even I was hoping it would be longer but I guess we were both wrong. But this will have to suffice for now.